Accountability 11.27.21

Accountability.

My relationship with accountability is hard to describe.

It's something I'm still learning and trying to be more consistent with.

Accountability is tough. Because at least for me, it's not like I'm not trying to be accountable. It's just sometimes, I just get in different depressive episodes where it's hard to be accountable.

When you're in those lows, you understand what you have to do to get the task done. You know what has to be done, but you just don't have the energy for it. You know you need to have the energy for it, but you just don't have it. You're already in a funk and then you just get pushed further into it because you are now getting mad at yourself for not doing what you have to do.

Like I don't mean to disappoint, I just couldn't get myself to do it.

I have this up and down relationship with accountability. I could be in a good flow for a while. Getting everything done right there and then. Being able to deliver on time or even before the deadline.

But then, I'll hit a wall. Things I would usually have the energy for just feel like behemoth burdens weighing down on. Like I could normally do this. I've done it before. But I just can't.

This past half year, I've been in a good flow. Tasks feel very manageable. Nothing has felt too big. I've been able to deliver on the promises I have set forth. It's been pretty good.

When other people are affected by the decisions I make, I hold myself super accountable. Especially on projects where I am leading. I can't ask for my team to do something, if I don't want to do it myself. How can lead that way? How can I earn respect that way? I just have to find a way to do it and get it done.

This is where I have confidence in my ability to hold myself accountable. I definitely haven't been this way my whole life. I just hate disappointing people. Straight up. Feeling the disappointment of someone who has trusted me to get a job done is 10x worse to me. You trusted me and I couldn't deliver. That's a feeling I would never want to feel again in my life.

But how come when it comes to self-accountability, the feeling of not being able to deliver on a promise to myself isn't as strong?

How come it's okay to disappoint myself?

I've told myself I'll do this, this, and that. But then never get to it. I mean only I knew about it, so who cares? I'll get to it eventually. But I never do.

I guess saying that I'm going to do a task and then not do it, isn't that bad. Like I said I was going to email a local concert venue to ask if I could do in house photography for their events for social media. I said I was going to do it, even told my friends I'd do it. But haven't done it.

I mean my decision only affects me, so there wasn't that sense of responsibility.

I'll get to it.

I tell that to myself over and over again and never do. I mean there's still time for me to do it. I shouldn't say never, but it does feel like an empty promise to myself.

The weight of my promises to myself has never been anywhere close to the weight of my promises to others. I'm the only one affected so who cares.

But, these promises to myself should hold just as much weight if it's something I truly believe would better my life. Opportunities aren't just going to be coming my way. I'm legit a nobody with huge aspirations and no plan.

I mean, I kinda have a plan.

Kind of putting all my eggs into this basket.

Is it smart? Nope.

But, I do believe in this project.

I need to start holding myself accountable.

I've been saying this shit for too long. Have I not been holding myself accountable?

I haven't been holding myself accountable to actively push myself to grow and be better.

I hold myself accountable on the projects I sign up for. I hold myself accountable for the things I need to get done with Simplex. I hold myself accountable in many different ways.

I just haven't held myself accountable to be more proactive in the decisions I make to better myself physically and mentally.

Who cares if I don't do that. I'm the only one affected by that decision.

I should care. I need to care. If I don't care about how that decision is affecting me, I'm not going to get any better.

I need to figure out a way to hold myself more accountable with going through with the decisions in my life. Writing about this and talking about it is completely different than actually doing it.

Holding yourself accountable is hard. I've been battling it for so long. Why push yourself to do the uncomfortable when the comfortable is just so damn comfortable.

I need to love myself more.

I think that's it. I just need to love myself more and know that I deserve so much more. And that's not just going to come. I have to be proactive about it and go for the things I want to go after. Not be afraid of it and just go for it.

I deserve better. I need to be as afraid of disappointing myself as I do of others. And I will only disappoint myself if I don't try. I told myself that I'd rather try and fail, then not even give it a try. I need to let myself loose and be free because I deserve it.